A Rewarding Marriage Awaits You…..

By Arlene Kahn Therapy • June 30th, 2010

A rewarding marriage is possible, despite the statistics.

According to the Washington Post Magazine of June 27, 2010, “More than 40 percent of first marriages end in divorce.  The divorce rate for second marriages is above 60 percent, and it’s higher than 70 percent for folks making their third walk down the aisle.”

Learning to love and loving to learn about your marriage is a gift that you can give yourselves and each other.  Marriage can be joyful and enriching, but lets not delude ourselves.  It is also a skill and an art. You wouldn’t expect to be an accomplished painter without learning a few things about art.  Yet, we expect our marriage to be enriching and gratifying without much study or interest in its dynamics, its process.

Everyone wants to get married, but when disappointments ensue often the frustrations result in the idea that maybe, “I got married for the wrong reasons,”  or “I married the wrong person,”  or I’m not in love with him or her anymore.”  The reality is that we unconsciously marry our opposite, the person who appears to be “wrong” for us, but the one we most need.  It is the partner who will help us to grow, stretch, become more emotionally mature.  And of course, opposites conflict, so there will be conflict.

The art of marriage, is knowing that we share a conscious and an unconscious  field of interactions with another person, and that we are both a part of that field.  Like positive and negative electrons, we are affected by the field itself, pulled and pushed away by our energies, desires and needs.   Understanding the particular kind of  field we’re in together requires developing empathy for our own and our partner’s frustrations, learning how to talk, how to listen and how to grow together in understanding.

Of course we all bring “baggage” from our past, poor role models, parents who couldn’t relate well, sometimes serious trauma or neglect.  Still, learning to enjoy a bond, a safe sense of connection, attachment with another person, is an awesome experience.  The ability to “be there” for an adult partner in life, and allowing him or her to “be there” for you, receiving and giving is the healing energy of life.

Blaming each other, self  accusations, anger, even despair are painful states of experience.  At the same time, these very states are all clues to our needs, our insights, and  hidden strengths.  These approaches can be transformed into understanding, empathy, relatedness and joy.   To learn more about finding the rewards of marriage and  growing as a couple,  you are welcome to call for a consultation and take another step on the journey.

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