Alcoholics Anonymous uses the acronym HALT to tell alcoholics/addicts never get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired, because those states make people vulnerable to substance use. I think it’s a great acronym to help all of us steer clear of our “go to” soothers when they’re not healthy. Today, I’d like to focus just on “Lonely.” The sense of isolation among addicts is well-known. However, our culture in general can be extremely isolating. The congresswoman, Rep. Ocasio-Cortes recently called out to mass shooters to “Come back to us, to our American culture. She especially noted, “I know our culture can be so isolating.” She added “We need to make changes and we will.”
My experience of working with substance-dependent people, whether food, alcohol or drugs, has shown me that social contact, intimate contact, and especially spiritual contact is often fraught with anxiety and desire at the same time. The substance or addictive behavior can be used in an attempt to mediate inner turmoil in these areas of life. A task, like packing to move, or cleaning out a basement or even tackling a month’s bills can feel overwhelming. Just knowing someone is there, to listen or help can calm the anxiety.
Human beings need contact. We need a sense of connection, physically and emotionally. That means, when our friend or child needs us, they need us to be actively keeping them company. Anxiety can cause emotional paralysis. Eugene Gendlin, the founder of Focusing, makes the point that just to keep a person company reflecting “the exact sense of what he or she is expressing, does a great deal.” The idea of keeping someone company as they struggle to understand themselves is one of the most powerful aspects of focusing-oriented psychotherapy. It’s also something we can do for each other in everyday life, as parent, sibling or spouse. To listen, without trying to solve or change the situation, just being with….our significant person. When we reflect the exact sense of what he or she is expressing it can build the sense of connection, decrease loneliness and enable the confidence to attend the social event or manage the task.
A man tells me that his company is being taken over and all the people under him are stressed about possibly losing their jobs. He is responsible for the work flow. He expresses how the agency is top-heavy with too many employees and yet he worries about the fears people are having. The tendency for the listener is to start looking for solutions, instead of just reflecting for him how he feels torn between his awareness of what the agency needs and at the same time, his loyalty to his employees. The way he feels torn is what Gendlin refers to as the “exact sense of what he is expressing.”
As Gendlin says “If we do not try to improve or change anything, if we add nothing, if however bad something is, we only say what we understand exactly…..we provide a safe and steady human presence.” (Focusing-Oriented Psychotherapy, p.11) In other words, if we can apply these principles to people in our life, even when there is an addiction, this kind of being with, allows a new experience of human emotional contact. It reduces loneliness, provides a model for human contact outside the therapy room and altogether is like little healing light-sparks that fall from heaven.