When things Change
Change, whether good change or bad can be very unsettling.
Change touches the aspects of our life we come to depend on. Whether it’s in the political arena, the natural world or in our intimate relations, when things change, our very bearings are often affected.
Resistance to Change
In 1970 there was a book called “Don’t Push The River, It Flows By Itself,” by Barry Stevens. She showed the importance of going with life’s flow. Still, many of us resist change. We want things to stay the same. In our marriage, a changing partner or change in ourselves can feel frightening–where will it lead? We are afraid of the unknown. And, change often involves loss. I am aware even as the season changes, I mourn the loss of the warmth of summer, the brightness of the day, the energy of the sun. Okay, I love the leaves drifting down from their tree branches, the colors of Fall, and even the coolness is refreshing. Still…
Heraclitus: The Harmony within Opposites
Heraclitus, an ancient Greek philosopher (c. 535-475 BCE) is most famous for his well-known saying : “No man ever steps in the same river twice.” He insisted on declaring the ever-present change in the universe. He further emphasized that in the loss that change brings, is also the emergence of the new. In the death of the warmth of summer is the beauty of Fall. In the change are often opposite pulls.
Buddhism: Impermanence and Attachment
Heraclitus’ philosophy of change coincided with Buddhist philosophy founded in India about the same time, in which Impermanence is one of the three marks of existence. Buddhism holds that it is our attachment to the things and people we come to depend on that is the cause of future suffering. When a loved one dies or leaves through death or other separation, it can be excruciatingly painful. We rely on our attachments. Even an adult child appropriately leaving home can feel like a painful loss for a parent.
Heraclitus became known as the “Weeping Philosopher.” He suffered from what was then called Melancholia and what is today called Depression. Could there have been a connection between Heraclitus’ acute awareness of ever present change and his sadness? Could the loss of our attachments be one of the sources of our suffering, as Buddhism suggests? When our attachments leave, when we lose the connections to the people and activities that support us, often there is a pervasive sense of aloneness that may be expressed in depression, addictions and other symptoms, rather than allowing the outright grieving that’s necessary to feel complete again. Within the state of grief are often opposite pulls to want back what was lost, to resist the change vs.the pull to go on with life in a new way, to welcome the new.
Coping With Grieving and Inner Opposite Pulls
- When faced with a conflict or opposing thoughts or feelings, try “holding the opposites” in your body/mind. Give yourself a minute at a time, several times during the day, week or month, until they loosen and begin to transform.
- Rather than making a quick decision about buying a house, leaving a relationship, taking a new job, when there’s indecision and conflicted feelings, try focusing on the inner conflict, creating an image of it, waiting till something inside “shifts.”.
- Stay in the experience of “now”, even when the now is painful. Allow it to find its resolution.
- Often, meditation can help us slow down and wait for the new that emerges and transforms. How unproductive it would be to force the pupa to release the butterfly before it’s ready! Waiting, giving it space and time encourages it’s natural birth and creation.
We can’t always achieve the sense of wholeness, the flowing stream, only by what we do on the outside. Directing our outer life well can help. But it is gathering the felt-sense of the pain that heals. Then there’s a shift inside, that brings the gift of inner harmony.