We usually know when we do or say something wrong, something that hurts someone we love or care about. If we can reflect and accept our wrongdoing, an apology often works to re-stabilize the relationship. Sometimes though, we don’t know what we did that was offensive or hurtful. We only glean it by the slow gradual withdrawal of the other person, or the outright accusation or feeling that we’re banned, outside the relationship now–in the doghouse.
The pain of a lost relationship can be excruciating. It’s different than an actual death, which can be painful, but somehow at least makes sense given the circumstances, even when the circumstances are unfortunate or unexpected. But the loss of a friend or relative due to his or her willing withdrawal, or shut down leaves an ambiguity that continues to torture the one who’s shut out. You may ask, “Why?” “What did I do?” Somehow the attachment was severed on one side and you didn’t know it, until it became clear, that phone messages or texts weren’t responded to, dates to get together were not made or acknowledged. Sometimes called “being ghosted,” the experience can make one feel like a ghost, invisible, unreal, misguided in thinking you were part of a friendship, a relationship.
So, what to do? Sometimes, whatever you did or didn’t do got “translated” or received in a way that felt hurtful. One woman told me she asked her prospective new daughter-in-law questions about how she learned to sew since she was studying fashion design. When the young woman stopped responding to her she learned her questions had been experienced as “nosy” and “invasive” rather than as friendly and being interested in her.
Sometimes, we can become a target of a projection. Kelley said that her long time friend “ghosted” her when she went to someone else for salon-beauty training. The friend, Carolyn, decided that Kelley had previously just been “using” her through their mutual shared discussions and now that she needed real training in beauty work, Kelley went to someone else. The reality for Kelley was that Carolyn wanted to charge her more than she could pay and she was also too far away for ongoing training. Still, the perceived hurt was deep and the relationship of many years, ended. Kelley never knew why the relationship dissolved until she called Carolyn years later and was finally told.
Often, our expectations of each other are subtle and virtually unconscious. Sometimes there is nothing more one can do to change a situation. What we can do, is have compassion for ourselves. These could be young parts of us that may feel devastated, shamed or guilty, as we may have felt in childhood if a parent withdrew from us for reasons that were confusing. There could be self-parts that feel abandoned or punished without understanding why. Other times, it may be possible to talk about the disruption, to own our own part in the interaction, to apologize or acknowledge that however unknowingly, we dropped the ball.
In the case of the future mother-in-law cited above, it took time, but she learned to not ask direct questions of this new relationship, to let things unfold as they would, and healing occurred. In the case of the friend, the door was shut and Kelley simply had to accept it, allow herself to grieve the gaping hole of loss and pain and in time, trust in developing new friendships.
We are human. Humans need each other, we get attached and we are not perfect in our attachments, in our love for each other. We make mistakes. We need to learn to have compassion for ourselves and for others. Hopefully, we can also learn to forgive ourselves and offer forgiveness to those who hurt us. Frequently, talking through a difficult situation together can bring added strengths and deeper connection. Other times, such generous resolutions are not possible.
While we human beings can be amazingly resilient we are also fragile. The effort to try to understand our differences is key, even when it hurts.